THE KALEIDOSCOPE

often in our lives we come across a phase/phases which we cant identify leave alone solve it. I'm not talking about a particular situation here but a phase which can last anything from a couple of days to a few weeks or sometimes even stretching to months. During this time all you're drive , you're focus or whatever it is which keeps you going is wiped out and you're left with a garbled assortment of petty conversations , inconsequential comments from other people and a cocktail of extremely unimportant things mixed with you're lack of drive on what IS important leaving you in a complete mess !! The result , you start cribbing like a LOT , become so snappy that you put off people who are actually being  nice to you and have zero tolerance towards anything unpleasant . You become broody , impatient , moody so much so that you start disliking you're own attitude which trust me only worsens the condition. It's a lot like PMS except that you're PMSing for a really long time !!! you're life becomes a kaleidoscope , a mixture of everything , the filter in you're brain stops working and you're left to stare helplessly at a jumbled up mixture of things which you cant make sense off . The worst part about this phase is that the little soothing voice in you're head which keeps calming you down and maturely gives you a level headed solution suddenly becomes dormant so you're brain becomes a volcano ready to explode at the slightest provocation and starts screaming and cursing everytime anything out of the ordinary occurs.You want to run away but you don't know where , so you contain yourself and bottle everything up , you know that if you confide into anyone you'll sound like a raving psychopath so you crush it deep within you and keep smiling primly at everyone as though nothing is wrong.So what is the solution ? buy yourself a self help book? maybe it'll help you to an extent but you'll still be left in the dark. Confide into friends?parents? maybe even counsellers? no , all they'll give you is advice but that's just what they'll be able to do and that's the last thing you want because you're intelligent enough to have deduced and even try implementing the so called advice long before you've confided into them. It's easier said than done . The best solution according to me is give it some time , try not to keep thinking and keep you're brain beautifully blank with a conscious effort. That'll get rid of the noisy buzzing in you're brain which is strong enough to give you a headache ! Try making a pattern of the jumbled up mixture in you're life , you'll find a solution because even a kaleidoscope has a pattern . And even if you cant make any sense or pattern of whats going on , just hang in there because a very great man once said 'this too shall pass' , in no time you'll snap out of this phase and you'll even wonder how you got into it in the first place. And then at that time when you look back to where you are now don't regret or feel ashamed of yourself , because after all we are human and life isn't perfect and rosy always  you're boat is rocking at the moment  it'll stabilize by itself ,  at that time you can look back and pat yourself by saying , 'boy I got through that , I can get through anything' :-)

STRONGER

It was just over a year ago when I would be cribbing over the most inane things , like my mum's cooking ; too less salt , too much asfoetida and so on.I would pick up fights over the most silliest things probably to vent out my frustration and maybe in the process have hurt the people I love the most without really meaning to.In every sense of the word I now realize that I must have been a spoilt brat.More selfish and less understanding.The thing with living with oneself and when you're alone is that you learn to deal with all those emotions , happiness , sadness , frustration , anxiety , fear , restlessness , boredom on my own. Over the 3 months that I've been living on my own I may probably not have changed much but have learnt a lot of things. The first and foremost is to stop complaining. Bad food , cockroaches in my room , doing every tiny thing on you're own which you took for granted when you were at home , all these things I know at the end of the day will just remain how they are no matter much I go on about it , the one and only solution is to deal with it. Because you have no choice , and it's not being a martyr or anything like I realized , its just that you concentrate on more important and pressing issues of you're life. A few months ago I would feel miserable if I had a fight with anybody in college , anybody would comment nastily on my appearance(which I have realized that people would not leave a single opportunity in doing so , call it joblessness or idle mind is devil's workshop !).Now if anything of this sort happens I brush it off and do not remember it the next moment , probably even feel sorry for the poor soul whose brain is keeping so much track on how I look instead of concentrating in whatever they are supposed to be doing.Given that with this hectic schedule that I'm leading that I've never led in my life , I have stopped thinking of others lives being so entrapped in my own.I am reading 'The Prison Diary' by Jeffery Archer at the moment and try putting myself in his shoes.Here I am a 61 year old successful novelist who has published bestsellers and is rolling in millions of pounds is suddenly convicted unjustly to a harsh sentence of 4 years in one of Britain's most strictest prisons.1 year ago if you'd asked me to put myself in his shoes I'd say that I'd definitely be in chronic depression even sometimes ranging to suicidal.But just look at what this guy did , maintaining a detailed manuscript of everything happening in his prison life he not only turned his worst experience into something which he enjoyed i.e writing but also came to terms with every disgusting thing which happened during that period of his life , like facing the pathetic prison food and how he dealt with it during his term. The lesson you take from such things is that sometimes when you feel that all that is happening around you is like the fates conspiring against you , you look ahead and see that one goal or dream which you set out to accomplish. That'll be the driving force which is so strong that it will immediately overpower every negative emotion you've ever had.Then with this as a talisman you can face anything , live in the harshest of the circumstances , deal with the lousiest of the people with the ease you make you're 2 min maggi :).You also realize that the people who stand with you in these circumstances will be with you throughout you're life and the rest are just a passing phase.